Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize