So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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