saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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