Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
