half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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