my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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