She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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