You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
