I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
