Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
