did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
tell me about the eggs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
