A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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