i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
