i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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