I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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