talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
