You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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