my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
