My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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