My liver just broke up with me...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
