I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just invented taco cereal.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
