i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
