my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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