I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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