when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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