sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
