probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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