ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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