I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
