She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
