turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
