I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
