At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
