she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
