Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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