mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
