I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i love accidental penises.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
