I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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