The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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