i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
They took my balls.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
