Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
