I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
