I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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