We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
