Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
