I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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