Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
