i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
