At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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