I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
