So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
