I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
