Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
