Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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