did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
