Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
